What is anger? It is a secondary emotion that serves as an umbrella encompassing the more vulnerable emotions such as sadness, fear, hurt, shame, embarrassment, guilt, jealousy, frustration, disappointment , bitterness, overwhelm … injustice and more. Anger isn’t wrapped up in a nice package and creates energy that can be either damaging or useful. You get to decide which.

Anger can be used destructively to avoid the vulnerability needed to look at the emotions that are hidden by it, as well as to be hurtful. Or anger can be focused productively as fuel to set and enforce boundaries and as motivation to move forward during hard times.

When you want to lash out, to punish, to prove you are right, remember that in that moment you are lowering  yourself to the level of someone you no longer respect. Take the high road, stay in your values and then you will be able to live with yourself and sleep at night with a clear conscience.

Bitterness is simmering anger and often causes us to drink the poison offered by your former spouse, while thinking that they will die. In that way, You are allowing yourself to be a victim, allowing yourself to live in a prison of your own making. That is self made hell!

For everything you do, every choice you make, ask yourself if what you are doing is helping or hurting your situation.

It requires skills to manage anger, to redirect it appropriately. We need to learn to respond instead of reacting. In the moment:

  • Calm down: Breathe

  • Diffuse it: wait 5 seconds before saying anything. Lower your voice when you speak.

  • Take a timeout: offer to talk later

  • Reset your vagus nerve (hum)

  • Work with a therapist

  • Write! Write your story. Write a letter to anyone who causes you to be angry. Keep it, burn it (safely), teat it up but don’t send it.

  • Replace anger with something positive. If you are angry, go walk.

And always, when you have to engage with your former spouse, let God enter the room first.