Many experience the process of divorcing their ex-spouse, which is focused on separating their physical property and assets and legally dissolving their marriage. Few, however, go through the process of emotionally decoupling from their ex-spouse. If you have been married for a long time, you have likely built a life together and have even become attached and dependent on one another. It is not unusual for former spouses to lean in toward each other for assistance and even comfort after divorce, due to familiarity especially when there is no animosity. However, after divorce you are no longer a couple but instead you are single and independent. Decoupling is the process of stepping into trusting yourself  and creating an independent and autonomous life.

Co-parenting is transactional not relational. The important thing is to strive for consistency for the children. If you can both focus on the best interests of the children, they will benefit greatly. That will require that both you and your ex-spouse sometimes put your personal wants aside in favor of what is best for the children. If your ex-spouse is unwilling, know that you can still control the environment your child lives in when they are with you. In even the best cases, you should communicate strictly about the children in accordance with your parenting agreement. If your ex-spouse is contacting you for other things or communicating inappropriately, stop the communication by not responding to them. Their continued contact with you is an indication that your ex-spouse is deriving a benefit from you, something filling a need such as an energy charge, that they should not. Especially in the case when your ex-spouse wanted to leave, they no longer have a right to have access to you, your personal life or your energy.

If you are divorcing someone who has narcissist behaviors or any other personality disorder, you will not be co-parenting but instead parallel-parenting and communicating with them will be nearly impossible. They are not interested in you or the children but only in their ability to create chaos and to derive an energy charge that is necessary for their existence. If you are in this situation, please check out the Tools that Help tab for resources (books, podcasts and social media accounts) on narcissism, parallel parenting and parental alienation. Educate yourself, and those close to you, and create a strategy for communicating and interacting with your ex-spouse. The bottom line, interact and communicate only when necessary and only through the Talking Parents App. 

There are those who still envision that if they could reconcile and once again have a life with their ex-spouse that it would take all of the pain of divorce away and solve their problems. Here are two hard truths. First, there is a reason that you have gone through a divorce and reconciliation is not going to fix the problems that caused the split. And secondly, while this may sound harsh, the truth is that either you or your ex doesn’t want to be with the other anymore. You both deserve so much better than to be with someone who does not want to be with you! Read that again!!!

In regard to others in your pre-divorce life, including both friends and family, you may feel like that aren’t reaching out to you. In most cases, they simply don’t know what to say to you. So, contact them. Tell them that you want a relationship with them and talk about what that might look like. Your divorce wasn’t the basis of your relationships before you got divorced, therefore it doesn’t have to be a part of them after it either. If you don’t reach out, you will make assumptions about why you haven’t heard from them. Your brain has a negative bias, which was necessary for survival millennia ago, causing you to make up negative stories when you don’t have information. Ask yourself if the behavior of the other has changed. If not, it’s likely there is no problem. If so, call them. Especially when you don’t have answers or information, ask yourself if what you are thinking is fact or story. If it is story, call them and get the facts. Additionally, many struggle with your divorce for a variety of reason: they don’t know what to say and how to support you; they don’t’ know what you want in regard to their friendship; they don’t know how to navigate you and your ex-spouse; your divorce threatens their ability to remain complacent in their marriage and much more.

As time goes on and you do the work to learn and grow from your divorce, you will lose some friends. Again, that can be because your ability to change may threaten their ability to stay stagnant. And, your friends will have to lose the person they knew, the one you have to let go of in order to grow and change.  

As is true in all situation, but especially during changes in relationships such as divorce, communication is key. Neither your friends, family or you are mind readers. The exception to communicating everything  is in regard to your ex-spouse. Sometimes what feels like the injustice of your situation might drive you to want to give them a piece of your mind or to seek revenge. Hold that piece of mind or revenge and then let it go. This is a critical opportunity for you to take the high road and stand in your integrity. Find another way to process those feelings but do not throw them at your ex-spouse. It might feel good in the moment but it will feel really bad and potentially make things worse between you after the fact.

Another key piece of navigating post-divorce relationships is identifying your values and setting clear boundaries. Start with your 10 ten values and then refine it to the top 3 you could not live without. Understand that boundaries are about you, about how close or far you will allow a behavior to be to you. Rules attempt to control the behavior of another. And, request ask for modification of a behavior. Since you can only control yourself, boundaries are what you need to identify and enforce. If a behavior violates your boundaries you can modify your distance from it, including not allowing someone into our life. As far as your friendships and family relationships, you need to find those with whom you are aligned in values and boundaries. Again, you may lose some people because you have let your boundaries be known, but the boundary didn’t cause the loss but rather expedited it. Check out the Tools that Help tab for resources on boundaries.