Fears & Anxiety
Divorce is fertile ground for worry resulting in fear and anxiety. Worry is the fear of what MIGHT happen in the future, in particular about things that you have no control over … it is the fear of loss of control. Likewise, anxiety comes from the future … the unknown. Both are caused by uncertainty.
During divorce, there are fears about managing a home, caring for a car, the welfare of any children and providing for yourself. These fears usually result in “what ifs.” If you are asking yourself “what if” you aren’t in the present. Yes, you need to glance ahead to see what obstacles there might be but focusing on the future can be detrimental. Staying in the present as much as possible is the healthiest route. Between now and any future point, your circumstances can change many times and result in something you never thought possible and therefore never considered. In reality, what do you really have control over? Perhaps identify what you do have control over, such as yourself, your health, your relationships, and yes, your happiness. Identifying three things each day, without repeating, that you are grateful for can change your brain’s filter to allay your fear and anxiety.
The following help to ward off fear and anxiety:
Exercise – just move! You don’t have to go to the gym, just move … walk outside, jog, run, hike, dance, play games (tennis, pickleball), park at the outside of a parking lot.
Sleep: can be hard. Keep the bedroom for sleep, not work. Limit blue lights – can set your iphone to go to amber light at sunset. There are natural sprays and tablets you can use: valerian root. You need enough calories/fuel to sleep. You ca be too hungry to sleep.
I would add to Eat and Hydrate. The brain doesn’t work without food and water. Make good choices. Your brain needs good fats and water to process information and make good decisions. If you can’t eat, consider an appetite stimulant.
Also there are many methods available online to help regulate your nervous system, such as calm your vagus nerve (humming, singing, gargling) and methods like EFT Tapping (such as The Tapping Solution or similar app).
“The opposite of uncertainty isn’t certainty, it’s self trust. Trust that you’ll be able to handle whatever happens, trust that you’ll try your best and trust yourself to know that you’ll be okay.”
If you find that you feel like you are struggling to keep your head above the water line, consider working with a medical professional to get anti-anxiety medication, which is different than anti-depressant medication and both can be taken at the same time, for temporary situational anxiety. The medication can take the edge off of the anxiety response enough for you to more easily stay above water.
Remember that you handled things while you were married, and may have done so prior. You can handle whatever comes your way, but worrying about the possibility of a situation is not helpful. You can hold your own and there a lot of people who are able and willing to help direct you through any future unfamiliar situation or challenges! You can handle whatever comes your way, just as you did prior to being in a marriage. The most powerful thing you can do is to learn to ask for help!
If you are in a contentious relationship… keep a journal, document everything that happens, take thorough notes, take photos when possible (they are day time stamped). If you write on paper, be sure that no one but you can ever find it and destroy it! Possibly document everything digitally in a folder.
Choosing Love over Fear
What causes the greatest human cost during divorce? My answer is simple … and, it might surprise you.
It’s FEAR and, of course, the related stress it causes. When we as humans are faced with a real challenge in life, our primal response is fear. For millennia, it allowed us to literally survive, but we are no longer being chased by saber-tooth tigers. In modern times, it has been useful in protecting us in the presence of temporary threats. But when we are stuck in a constant state of “fight or flight,” flooding our bodies with adrenaline and cortisol, fear is unhealthy and costly from a health perspective. Fear is a beast within us and our brains are hardwired for negative information and responses that feed that beast.
Fear-causing choices, actions and words generate negative emotions such as: grief, apathy, uncertainty, shame, abandonment, horror, anger, hate, anxiety, guilt, failure, sadness jealousy, inadequacy, bitterness, judgment, frustration, doubt, insecurity, worry and depression. These emotions result in constraints (I “can’ts” I “don’ts” and it “won’ts”) and a feeling of being stuck, even trapped, in a situation unable to move forward. It can result in drama and even a sense of being a victim or even a martyr.
The alternative is LOVE. Love-causing choices, actions and words are not soft - as they might be assumed, and don’t mean you don’t feel negative emotions, but rather that you feel them and let them move through you - instead of allowing them to set up camp inside you and control you. Operating from love always generates positive emotions such as: happiness, empathy, certainty, honor, belonging, wonder, acceptance, contentment, peace, joy, hope, trust, confidence, connection, openness, freedom, honesty, compassion, respect and understanding. These emotions allow us to keep goals, focus, get along better in relationships, be content, compassionate, happier and healthier and in short, to do our very best. They minimize the potential for drama and allow us to operate at our best.
Fear is fighting against … an ex-spouse, the perceived loss, the grief, and is negative and exhausting. Fighting for … what remains and for what can be retained feels positive, light and recharging. If we can switch that gear, we can move from the limitations of fear into the limitless possibilities of love, not the romantic love, but rather a true concern for our own well-being, as well as those we love. What would you rather put your energy into?
The good news … is that even during UNCERTAINTY, we have a CHOICE between fear and love … and that choice affects our ability to do our very BEST with every CHOICE we make, every ACTION we take and every WORD we use.
And here’s the really powerful part… whether you CHOOSE fear or love, it affects the divorce journey and outcome … resulting in either limitations or possibilities. It is the difference between the positive perspective of what remains and negative focus on what may not. It is shifting the paradigm of divorce to one of consciously choosing love over fear for every choice, action and word.
It might be said that one wolf is fear, and the other is love. Which do you feed?
In the end, I have learned that life is precious, perspective is everything, and that love always wins.
On a final note, two of the greatest fears that arise while going through a divorce are the fear of living single and the fear of reentering dating and getting hurt. Trish offers group sessions on several topics that work to allay your fear and anxiety. See Services for details.
