The Collective Experience

Secure my basic needs: a place to live, food, water, family, and restful sleep; my safety (employment, health, transportation) and contact with loved ones, family, and friends. 

I wanted to heal from the hurt, mental abuse and trauma of my marriage. I wanted my children to feel supported and loved during the difficult time. I wanted to start over feeling confident and empowered to make the changes I needed to move forward successfully. I also wanted to find myself again after years of losing myself.

Get through it emotionally, then to start rebuilding my life.

She’d guilt, shame and unworthiness.

Continue to build who I am, not changing the identity but rebuilding it with a different focus which includes my faith. 

Find confidence and stability on my own.

My ultimate goal was to “survive” and possibly feel even "somewhat normal" again. 

Recover and rebuild my life.

Be financially ok and shown them I can do it alone without them.

Maximize learning how to plan and manage finances moving forward.

Learn about myself, to grow and thrive and become whole as I put the past behind me.

Live independently and be financially secure.

My ultimate goal is to heal properly so I can be healthy with a peaceful spirit.

2. What were the 5 top challenges you faced?

Finding affordable housing

Finding affordable health insurance

Loss of friends, family, and connections in the community

Finding a new identity for myself

Fear of the unknown - I asked myself “what if?” too many times.

Co-parenting with a narcissist 

Navigating a terrible parenting plan

Healing from abuse during the marriage

Setting new expectations, boundaries and habits as a single mom and a co-parent

Losing friends and family during the process

Changing the way I thought about myself

Learning to rely on myself

Being alone

Working through all the emotions

Having a place to live

Remaining in God‘s peace and presence

Learning the new relationship for my children throughout the process

Knowing where I was going to live, and how I was going to be able to afford to live

Forgiving my former spouse for not just the divorce, but for everything else that went on throughout our marriage

Forgiving myself, for my failures in the marriage

Loneliness

Anger

Guilt

The challenge of doing activities by myself, whether traveling or just going out to dinner

Identity

Purpose in life

Trust in anyone

Grieving

Financial stress

Grief and its mental and physical affects

Fear of being alone

Embarrassment/shame

Being 100% responsible for decisions 

Trust- in myself and others

Wondering “now what?”

Independence and regaining self-confidence

Safety concerns

How to be single

How to navigate everything with a spouse who cut off communication

How to handle the emotional part not just for myself but also for the seniors living with me

How to handle work and taking care of house/yard/dogs and supporting the parent’  appointments, etc. 

Finances for lawyers’ fees and all the documentation I needed to find/deliver

Not having any answers why they left from one day to the next

Being low energy and this making it worse

Feeling out of control

Feeling lost

Attending a divorce care recovery group

Courage to move forward in spite of constant unknowns

Finding positive, understanding friends who also focus on healing

Learning all I could about the process of divorce and interviewing and choosing an attorney

Getting a job and buying a car

Emotional impact on family

Affording housing

Driving (not a big driver)

Rejection

Self-Worth

Fear of starting over

Embarrassment/Shame

3. What do you wish you had known but didn’t?

I wish I knew to make sure my parenting plan was strong and detailed.

That I was capable the whole time!

The financial aspects of separation. Example, closing a joint credit card. The other was to be more on top of a power of attorney for medical, basically to remove that authority from my ex-spouse.

Not to make decisions while you are feeling desolate, sad, broken-hearted and while going through multiple emotions. Find a support person that has gone through the experience and listen to their perspective on decisions. 

What makes a good divorce lawyer.

That my former partner would no longer have my best interest above their own.

That I would get over my divorce and feel whole again.

Wish I would have not dismissed all the clues and would have allowed the dots to connect. That would have made the divorce a quicker process. 

I  wish I had known he was really going to go through with it 

Wish I had known about the loss and grief process

Divorce isn't as easy as breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend.  It leaves deep emotional scars that can't be anticipated or assuaged without God's comfort and a good support system.

Being disregarded as a human. 

Strained relationships with children and family members.

How much love and support was there for me and the shame I felt in having a broken marriage and ultimately being divorced!

God’s provision! He provided such a blessing of wisdom, love and grace through Divorce Care. Bonds that were made are absolutely a gift from God; he has taught me he brings people into our lives to be his voice, his arms and his love.

I didn't anticipate them moving on with their life as fast as they did, that they didn't care how they were hurting other people, myself and my kids.

Them lying to get more money from me

How long it would take to “get over it,” because I’m still not there.

That I would feel stronger, more confident in myself and happier than when I was married.

Didn't anticipate that they had no financial responsibility/obligation for the parents even though they took it on before the marriage. Didn't anticipate that there was no law covering seniors when their well-being was affected as much as a child.

I didn't anticipate my child blaming me for the divorce. 

Didn’t anticipate the fun I would have with new friends, girls and guys.

Didn’t know that they would be aggressive and hurtful.

That God would show up in such a way that my life of faith will be forever changed!

5. What books, podcasts, songs and/or other resources did you find helpful?

See the Resources page.

6. What is the best advice you received?

Look out for myself FIRST.

Although I had a part in the demise of the marriage, not all of it and to not blame myself for someone else’s brokenness.

I was thinking too far ahead, to not worry about how holidays will be spent. Reign in the “what ifs.”

Make decisions that are fair but also based on your needs.   

There are no victims.  (see explanation below)

The one thing I hated to hear over and over but was 100% true was that only time will make it “easier.” And to ask for help and allow myself to grieve along the way.

Regular professional counseling and selfcare are both very important if you want easier healing. 

Just breathe and "When you are in a gutter of shit, make sure you are facing up, not down."

To start stocking up on essential items. I wished I had done it more. 

My own:  keep moving forward...never give up...believe in yourself

Do what you need to do.

This too shall pass!

7. What advice would you offer someone going through a divorce?

Pray, put your needs first for once and make decisions that are best for you and in turn will be best for the kids.

Find a Divorce Support Group near you and continue going to or start therapy.

As best you are able, connect with your friends and weed out those who are not really there to support you. Fill that gap with people from a Divorce Care group. Above all else, be in God‘s word. I know it sounds cliché, but he truly does give us what we need for each day, each hour. (This did not end your friendship, it expediated the inevitable.)

To put feelings aside when making financial or any big decisions related to the break up and take care of your own wellbeing.

Seek group support and therapy.

Find people you can trust who have also been through a divorce, who have your best interests in mind and who can help you navigate the changes of your new life. Develop a community of friends who you can share your thoughts with, who will be there for you if you need them and you will be there for them if they are in need.  Don’t be scared to ask for help (I am still working on this one).  But know in your heart that YOU will be there for your new friends/community if they need help!

Get up every day and move. Know that you may never get the answers you need and be ok with that. 

Don't settle with parts of the divorce agreement that you don't agree with. Get a financial specialist to make sure they aren't hiding anything. It will give you peace of mind. Get any medical needs met and things done on the house while it's a joint financial responsibility. Take a vacation with your kids.

Choose an attorney that you feel a rapport with … avoid the sharks.

Don’t tolerate lies , deceit or dishonesty – just say enough!

Feel your feelings and freedom to express all emotions applicable for the moment(s), don't pretend to be ok when you're not and trust that things will eventually and gradually get better.

8. What advice would you offer someone in regard to their post-divorce entry into the next phase of their life?

Build connection with people you trust. Every divorce is different so looking for a peer group whether it’s an exercise group, a book club, volunteer group. Continue to LEARN and GROW!!

Make sure the parenting plan and separation agreement are how you want it. Don't rush just to get the divorce finalized.

Understand that it is a grieving process and that you will have good days, good moments and bad days and bad moments and that it’s okay to give yourself grace.

Live! Don’t cloister yourself and be alone. Get out and even if it’s just for a cuppa coffee at the local place. Be open to meeting new people and trying new things. It’s a process, but you are going to be discovering some wonderful characteristics of who you are that you never imagined.

Enjoy life, meet new friends, discover the world, you are a special person with a lot of new experiences ahead, don't rush life, don't take anything for granted, enjoy the moment, it doesn't matter where you are.  

Do not compromise what is important to you simply to get a quicker result.

Know that you can create the new chapter of your life. Make it amazing! Don't label yourself as " divorced" or any other negative label. If you have to label yourself, label yourself as " experienced." Don't sleep on your side of the bed, sleep in the middle. Both sides are yours now. ;)

Focus on learning what steps you need to take and do not allow yourself to become immobilized emotionally. .. keep looking forward

Consciously create your life!

Don't jump into another relationship without being sure you're in a healthy emotional state, always have something to look forward to, don't isolate yourself from life, and use your new-found time to better yourself somehow.

9. Is there anything else you’d like to share?

Don't rush into a new relationship.

Pay attention to red flags.

Don't share finances with someone new.

Start setting boundaries with co-parent right away.

Take care of yourself care.

Take the time to sit in the emotions and reach out to your tribe and family – if possible.  God will always make a way.

I’d like to remind people to be gentle with themselves. Forgive themselves and others. Love others, including your ex, as Jesus loves, and forgives us. You’re not doing it for them, you’re doing it for God and yourself.

I feel there is always purpose in the lessons/pains. So I started to initiate advocating for seniors who are caught up in divorce and don't know what /how to navigate through it. 

I didn’t realize for a while that becoming whole and developing into my best self would lead me to create a satisfying, happy and really great life. Better than when I was married!

"The past is the past, the present is passing, but the living hope of Christ gives a bedrock foundation for the future."