Loneliness
“During my years caring for patients, the most common pathology I saw was not heart disease or diabetes; it was loneliness.”
Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World
Former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy identified loneliness in U.S. as a major public health threat, so much so that there is strong association between loneliness and the risk of heart disease, dementia, depression, anxiety and it affects sleep quality which impacts obesity. The association of loneliness and longevity - the mortality impact of loneliness – is similar to the mortality impact of smoking 15 cigarettes a day, greater than the mortality impact of obesity and sedentary living.
The point is that loneliness is not just about solitude. Loneliness is subjective – how we feel about the quality of our connections. It is the gap between the social connections that we feel that we need and the ones we have.
And we, as human, are biologically primed not only to feel better together but to feel normal together.
You can see where this leads, we have country full of people desperate for connection, making them vulnerable not only to the attention and false personas and claims of scammers but also to stunting our personal growth toward a better life.
Loneliness during and after divorce is special kind of loneliness. You no longer live with your former spouse and may even be in your home alone. More often than not, people we thought were friends are lost in the divorce, some having taken sides with your former spouse and others merely incapable of navigating your divorce with you.
Loneliness is different than being alone. Loneliness can result in isolation, which is negative and often results in depression, negative self talk and focusing on what you don’t have.
Solitude is time spent alone during which you choose to put positive energy into working on yourself and your new life while recognizing what you do and will have. Solitude is critically important to your healing. Sometimes solitude is experienced out walking in nature and results in refueling and reenergizing. But, it’s equally important to spent time in stillness, to “Be Still”, for that is when you reflect on “Who Am I?” Solitude is learning to be alone but not lonely!
As Vivek Murthy stated, “The point is that loneliness is not just about solitude. Loneliness is subjective – how we feel about the quality of our connections. It is the gap between the social connections that we feel that we need and the ones we have.”
The treatment for loneliness is building community with people who care. There are many types of human connections: aquaintances, social friends, friends, family and your inner circle of 3-5. These can be thought of as your rings of connection that symbolize how much access an individual has to you. Think of the rings around Saturn. The closest rings are your 3-5 chosen individuals.
There are many opportunities to build community, each with its own purpose: Meetup.com groups, community activities, small group gathering and volunteering. To start, write down 5-25 things you want to do or learn and then google them and find people who are interested in doing or learning the same thing.
Nobody should have a bad day alone. If you haven’t already done so, identify your 2 or 3 closest connections and establish the “8 minutes” (click to listen) protocol.
A major pitfall of loneliness is premature dating. I caution you put your effort into building a supportive community of connections instead of seeking out the perceived comfort of a date. DO THE WORK on yourself first, if you don’t do it … you WILL repeat you relationship patterns resulting in a less than 10% change of a future relationships surviving. And in nearly all cases, people end up even lonelier after each failed encounter. There are also ethical considerations to waiting to date until you are truly ready.
