The Label of Narcissistic Behavior

I’m not generally one for labels. In fact, I feel that the label of alcoholic has become common place, used to include those who drink more than others deem appropriate yet not fitting the actual definition of the disease. There is a very specific definition of alcoholism and it’s probably not what you have been taught. (That knowledge is a gift from my second marriage!) I feel the same way about the use of the label narcissist. While many display some of the behaviors and characteristic of true narcissists, a very few have the actual diagnosis of the personality disorder that a mental illness, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In large part that is because those who actually have the disorder do not think they do and therefore don’t seek diagnosis or treatment..

The truth is that it doesn’t matter if there has been a formal diagnosis of a personality disorder or what the label you use is, what is being described is an individual who exhibits unacceptable, negative, even toxic and sometimes abusive, and potentially damaging behavior. Their tools are gaslighting, manipulation, blame-shifting, entitlement, love-bombing, intimidation, parental alienation, triangulation, isolation, belittlement, stonewalling, weaponization, sabotage (especially of events) and more to create chaos in attempt to provoke a response that feeds them. All those individuals are unhealthy either psychologically, emotionally and/or mentally.

For simplicity, let’s refer to difficult “others” as narcissists. At the very bottom of it all, they will do everything in their power to evoke a reaction, as opposed to a response, in order to feed their “need.” It’s much like when a child behaves badly in order to force a response from their parent that the child feels will ultimately make them feel safe. Narcissists do the same thing but to feed their false self (their mask) and avoid their true self. Narcissistic supply is the “drug” that the narcissist needs in order to function. With the child you can set a boundary. The narcissist’s need can never be met. They will push until they break you, then move on to someone else that is easier to fulfill their need.

So then, how do you communicate with a narcissist? You really can’t because they don’t operate from logic but rather need. You can’t understand what they think or do, however, their behavior is predictable. So first, once a divorce has been initiated, don’t engage with or try to communicate with them unless it is absolutely necessary. You will need to hire a lawyer that is experience with narcissists to protect your interests, as the narcissist cares only about their welfare to the exclusion of not only you but also your children. Let your lawyer communicate with the narcissist. If you do mediation, have your lawyer present and let them engage with the narcissist. Know that the narcissist may continue to “lean in” to you (contact you when children are not the topic) so that they can continue to get the supply that you once provided for them. If you don’t have children, you have no obligation to communicate with them ever again once you hire a lawyer. If you share children, you will have to communicate, but only about the children and only through the Talking Parents app. TalkingParents is a co-parenting communication app designed to help parents stay organized, reduce conflict, and maintain a clear record of interactions, offering features like secure messaging, accountable calling, shared calendars, and expense tracking. It is accessible by the courts when necessary. If you receive  emails or texts outside of TalkingParents, do not respond on their email or text. If you must respond, copy the communication into TalkingParents and respond to it only there. Trying to get you to communicate outside of TalkingParents is a common ploy by narcissists to see if you are willing to make exceptions to the parenting agreement. Do not make exceptions, they only open the door for the narcissist to do whatever they want outside of the agreement.

Maria Consiglio, MSW says, if you absolutely must communicate with a narcissist, “You need to be boring. Don’t show any emotion. Especially when they are doing things to get a reaction from you, the more you respond the more satisfied they will be. Be like the grey rock, bland, without color and without emotion. Show no weakness. Act like whatever they say or do has no effect on you. Give short to the point answers. Be boring and without feeling. Showing emotion gives them supply. Narcissists get bored easily and that is exactly what you want in order to get their attention off of you.”

Keep in mind that a narcissist is looking for their next “fix” and is hoping to get it from you through your reaction. It’s like a drug to them, don’t be their supply. If you must communicate, take a breath, count to 5 slowly and then respond with absolutely no emotion, tone or affect. Be direct, specific and non-punishing. Direct means you use as few words as possible, be specific so that there is no mistake about what you are stating and non-punishing by calmly stating the consequences to the issue as fact rather than threat. For example, “You brought the kids home late yesterday afternoon. That caused them to miss their basketball practice and their coach was angry. If that happens again, they will not be able to be a part of the team.”

There are many common tactics that narcissists use to protect their false presence to the outside world. They will likely tell everyone that you two know, including family members on your side, that you are the problem and that they were the model spouse who tried everything to make your marriage work. Obviously, they will leave out the part about their unacceptable behaviors. Those people may be a loss to you. With divorce from a narcissist, you may just have to accept the losses and move forward with those who know and understand the truth of the situation and who love you.

 What I have shared here is the very tip of the iceberg of what you have been dealing with and what you are now facing. You are not crazy; it is real and it is unimaginable. I recommend that you find a therapist that has a lot of experience with narcissism.

If you find yourself dealing with someone with a personality disorder, such as narcissism, check out the Tools that Help tab for resources (books, podcasts, social media threads) that will be educational and helpful.