One Question

I have one questions for you. While dating and throughout your marriage, did you do the best that you knew how at the time with the awareness and skills that you had? That question is key to having no regrets.

When I was managing the daily and medical care of both parents, managing a team of in-home CareHeroes® and providing care as well, I always did my best. But, somedays my best was really bad. I even got sent home by my sisters one day because I was too exhausted to function well. That said, I can honestly say that I have no regrets about anything I decided or did while caring for my parents … because I know that I did the best that I knew how to in every moment. And, when I knew how to do better, I did. That is all anyone can expect of themself.

We can go back and doubt our choice to get married or perhaps our choice to stay as long as we did when we knew it wasn’t good for us it can result in regret an self-doubt. We all get married for different reasons: love, co-dependence, escape, convenience. It doesn’t matter why, but rather whether or not we made the best decision we could at the time. Along with that goes the recognition that your marriage may have taken a turn that you did not want, ask for or even agree to. People change over time based on their experiences, goals and vision. Often one person in the couple grows while the other has no interest in growth, causing them to reach an impasse. The point is that there are many different paths to and out of marriage.

The key is to understand and believe that you did the best that you could at the time, in spite of it not always being good at times. Life is not about where we have been but where we are going. It’s important to reconcile that you did your best and also that our best ended in divorce. Therefore, you have to do “the work,” understand what went wrong and why and then change the behavior of yours that contributed to the divorce, otherwise your next relationship will end up the same way. If you bring the same person that you were in your last relationship into your next relationship, the result won’t be any different. We have to learn why made the choices and decisions that we did in our last relationship. Was it just that we missed red flags or that we wanted to be loved at any cost? Were you lured into the den of narcissism? In a way it’s a compliment, as they choose the best, the smartest, brightest, most kind and generous to deliver  their narcissistic fix. An that case, what matters is that you learn the signs that were not missed but previously unknown, unnamed and not understood.

As someone I know so often says, “Give yourself grace.” You did your best. Of course you didn’t get married for it to end in divorce, but it did. Now, no matter what you experienced, you have the opportunity to start the next phase of your life … to learn who you are, what you want, what your boundaries and non-negotiables are and to build a new home … all on your terms.